As human beings, one of our deepest shared needs is to be seen, heard and valued. Unfortunately for many, both at home and work, this need is not always met. Research* tells us, especially during and post pandemic, there is a significant increase in people’s feelings of disconnection, isolation, invisibility, not mattering (mattering is defined as “an individual’s feeling that he or she counts or makes a difference”)**.
* Flett , G. & Zangeneh, M.(2020): Mattering as a vital support for people during Covid-19 Pandemic: the benefits of feeling and knowing that someone cares during crisis.
** Rosenberg, M. (1985); Self-concept and psychological well-being in adolescence.
As a business coach, working with clients for almost 20 years, I notice how the topic of not being valued, not being seen or heard, not being appreciated is cropping up more and more in workplace conversations. It is for many, the place where we hope to matter most, rightly or wrongly. It's where we spend so much time and invest so much energy. The impact of a sense of not mattering in a business context is high - lack of motivation, low productivity, absenteeism, and more recently the great resignation. In our personal lives, it can lead to separation, divorce, disconnection, suicide and more recently rising levels of tribalism, extremism and radicalisation, as a sense of belonging is sought in alternative, less desirable places, often online.
Whilst a complex theme, meriting a deep dive at a later point, I was struck by the simplicity of the concept of Namaste, as an interesting first step; see - Tara Brack’s video -
(psychologist and Buddhist meditation teacher).
Those yogis amongst us will be accustomed to the opening and closing tradition of yoga sessions with the greeting “Namaste”. Symbolically, this is the guru's way of expressing gratitude towards the students, and to his or her gurus and vice versa. However, despite repeating this almost every day for the last two years as I attempt to deepen my practise, I was unaware of its profound meaning and potential importance in our everyday lives, at work and at home. In her video talk, Tara explains this ancient Hindu greeting, the light in me bows to the light in you. It is a deep sense of seeing and honouring each other with gratitude. Ironically, in the western world, Tara shares that the origins of our greeting by handshake was to demonstrate to others that our hands were empty, and that the person wasn’t holding a weapon!
I’m not suggesting we necessarily go around the workplace saying “Namaste” or bowing to each other; it’s the underlying principle that’s important. Demonstrating clearly to others at work and home, you matter! I see you; I value you; I am grateful to have you in my life, company, friendship circle. You are important! Expressing it verbally or physically in some way; not assuming it’s obvious.
Now there are two challenges with this:
Firstly, it requires us to slow down and notice what’s going on around us, notice others and how they’re doing and truly connecting. Not just dash from meeting to meeting, feeling important or frazzled or both. In a business culture that frequently prioritises quantity over quality, choses metrics that drive haste and speed over calmness and kindness, rewards quick results over longevity and sustainability, a massive culture shift is required. I heard someone recently describe culture as “it’s just how we are around here” and I thought this was a brilliantly simple definition. How would your team describe your business culture and “how you do things around here”? Does a culture of respect, kindness, and appreciation of each other permeate the business, everywhere, every day (not just in the mission or values statement)? Do we show up for each other, physically and emotionally? Do we remember to say thank you with depth and meaning, rather than just trite words, if at all – “I appreciate what you did for me, I could see you had a hard time fitting it in with everything else you had on your plate, and this really meant a lot to me!” (I see you, I feel you, I appreciate you!)? Are we moving towards “Compassionate Workplaces” and Compassionate Leadership, where we see each other struggling and try help carry or lighten the load? I see a lot of leaders needing more from people without being willing to take stuff away. If we need to do more of
some stuff, what can we do less of, what can we leave behind; otherwise, the pile just grows and cripples the individual under his / her load? Burnout! (see article below).
Secondly, for “the light in me to see the light in you”, I first need to consider my own light. It is hard to shine and spread kindness and gratitude at home or work, when we’re not in a great place ourselves. It is hard for parents, partners, teachers, leaders to shine brightly and connect with another meaningful, when they’re running on empty. However, although the light may be very dim, ITS NOT GONE OUT!
Two possible solutions:
1. Making sure we put oil in our lamp, so it shines. How? By conscious CHOICE – choosing to shine versus choosing gloom.
“Shine Bright Like a Diamond
Find light in the beautiful sea
I choose to be happy
You & I , You & I,
We’re like diamonds in the sky”
(Thanks Rihanna!)
Quite simply, we must decide every day to focus on the best in us and not the worst. And once we spend time everyday consciously (or mindfully) thinking about who our best self is and how we show up as this best self, we are on the way to shining bright(er). Otherwise, we’re focused on our imperfections, what we haven’t done, how much there’s still to do, our failings, our not enoughness. We choose our path with consideration, and we don’t allow our dark side (negative thoughts) to take over.
2. Getting in touch with our best possible self – reclaiming and reconnecting with everything that’s good in you – your true self, your strengths, your gifts, your talents. What are you best
at, what can you do more of that brings joy into your life, who do you need to spend more time with, how do you nourish your soul, body and mind? Ask yourself…
What am I thinking – what thoughts are filling my head – does this thought serve me well? Is this helpful or harmful?
What am I feeling – can I change my thinking to change my feeling?
Who am I hanging out with – is this dragging me into the wrong place, am I having too many negative conversations? Do I need others to lift me up?
What am I eating / drinking – am I filling my body with crap because it’s easy or because I deserve it but it’s making me slow, sluggish, unwell…its literally killing me!
How am I taking care of my body – am I slumped over a desk 8 hours or do I take breaks and short bouts of exercise; am I sleeping; am I getting fresh air; am I laughing and playing and experiencing joy where I can
Who am I? Am I being me, my best self? What is my impact on this world (my world) TODAY – am I making a positive or negative or zero contribution?
If we spend time rediscovering our best self and remove the straitjacket of who we’ve become to suit others, we are moving towards authentic self, and this can be pretty powerful. If I’m truly in touch with the real me, I start to move towards seeing the real you, because I’m not afraid or threatened. If I start understanding my own talents and strengths and using them, I start shining bright. And I now have enough light to see you and want the best for you, rather than leave you unseen or unheard.
If we can learn to slow down, focus on what’s good in us, then we see and appreciate the good in others.
Namaste!
© Jackie Wade 2022
Further Insights:
You may be interested in the following articles:
You may be interested in another of Tara’s talks:
: “Namaste – seeing the truth of who we are – with Tara Brach”
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