Shakespeare wisely advises “To thine own self be true”.
Immortalised in the words of Polonius in Hamlet:
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man”.
Why is this still so relevant today? Well, the science is clear, living a life that is not authentic and true to our values for a prolonged period leads to unhappiness and often poor health. We are going against our nature and who we were designed to be, and this takes its toll, often manifesting in physical symptoms – in our head, back, stomach, neck. We take medication or suffer on, or blame others (boss, partner, kids…), rather than address the issue, which is to return to our true self, and live congruently with our values and be who we were born to be.
Often in life, we become derailed from our authentic self. This happens for many reasons, usually deeply rooted patterns of survival or need that go way back to childhood or early adulthood; learned behaviours to help us cope with different circumstances that life throws our way. My pattern is “peace and harmony” above all else; sounds lovely but the cost was often to suppress my needs and avoid conflict, in order to keep the peace. My gorgeous Dad was an alcoholic and so I grew up threading on eggshells; everything was about making sure as kids we didn’t do anything to trigger Dad going off on a binge. Keeping the peace was sacrosanct. I spent all my childhood observing my mother model this behaviour, to try and keep our family safe, usually suppressing her own needs. This is deep-rooted stuff and has taken a lot of work to unpick.
I know first-hand the cost of this both mentally and physically – I almost lost my “voice” or at least I thought I had, due to frequent bad bouts of severe throat tightening and barely being able to speak. After three uncomfortable upper endoscopies over a five-year period, I was advised it might be psychosomatic and finally went for counselling. Of course, what unravelled was my long history of suppressing my voice in my personal life and the resultant physical symptoms warning me to get a grip! I listened…eventually!
Why do I share this personal story with you? Well, I see every day, both in my coaching sessions and in life generally, people lugging around the physical symptoms of their own suppressed self – their suppressed thoughts, dreams, hopes, words and this weighs heavily. Solace is sought in distractions – food, drink, over-indulgences, shopping, TV, Social Media, negativity – anything to avoid dealing with the real issues – self! I spent a beautiful day recently with a lovely friend who has a weight issue and jockey’s back and forth with diets. We spent a lot of time talking about this and trying to unpick why she couldn’t get a handle on it and what was driving her eating and drinking habits and excessive socialising. As she was departing, she said “so I really need to look inside and sort me out”! Happiness is indeed an inside job and everything else is distraction.
So how do we get back in touch with ourselves and indeed seek to live lives that reflect “our best possible self.” In Stephen Joseph’s wonderful book Authentic – how to be yourself and why it matters- he offers the simple but challenging formula:
Know thyself + Be thyself + Own thyself = Authentic Living
So, the starting point is “to know thyself” – to look inside and remind ourselves of who we are and what’s important to us. What are our values and strengths and are we living lives congruent with these? Sometimes it helps to just go back in time and reflect on what used make us happy, as kids or young adults – were we creative, did we love to make things with our hands, did we crave time on our own or in company, did we love writing stories or play-acting? What was our passion? Also reflecting now on what brings you true internal joy, when do you lose yourself, when are you in flow and don’t realise how much time has passed? Or asking those who know and love you – what are my real strengths – the answer may surprise you. I found the following values and strengths assessment tool useful and thought-provoking (it’s free): https://www.viacharacter.org/
Another tool I suggest is writing a letter to yourself called Best Possible Self Letter – this is recommended by leading positive psychologist Sonya Lyubomirsky’s. Again, I tried this out some time back when I was going through a tough time and was facing a lot of uncertainty and couldn’t find my equilibrium. It really helped and I now regularly refer to and update it. Am I living a life that’s taking me closer to this Best Possible Self Ideal; if not, why not, what needs to change? “Know thyself, be thyself, own thyself”!
The simple instruction is:
“Take a moment to imagine your life in the future. What is the best possible life you can imagine? Consider all of the relevant areas of your life, such as your career, academic work, relationships, hobbies, and health. What would happen in these areas of your life in your best possible future?”
Make sure to focus on internal stuff as much as possible, what lies in your control. Listen to your own inner voice – what’s it telling you? Ignore the external pressures, which tend to focus on gratification and “stuff”. Yes, of course, some of these are important but not at the cost of losing our soul.
Aristotle’s ancient wisdom holds that the development of human beings is “the unfolding of natural, fixed or innate potentialities”. Ultimately our purpose and source of joy is the gradual unfolding over time into who we were born to be. A flourishing life or the “good life” in the words of humanistic psychologist Carl Roger’s is “a process, not a state of being…it is a direction, not a destination…”
He suggests we move
· Away from facades
· Away from oughts
· Away from meeting expectations
· Away from pleasing others
· Towards self-direction
· Towards openness to experience
· Towards acceptance of others
· Towards trusting oneself.
This is a powerful recipe to help us move towards our best possible self, in a direction which is authentic, congruent with who we are and likely to lead to a more flourishing, happy life.
Here’s to exploring and moving in that direction!
If you would like help, please get in touch.
© Jackie Wade 2021
Comments