Crazy me – when the world was falling apart during Covid Global Pandemic and so much of my big stuff was in disarray, I was gifted contentment and I panicked! What was this boring stuffy old emotion doing visiting me, potentially causing me to slow down and don a pair of slippers and dressing-gown in my prime? What was happening to my va, va, voom…!?!
I have always had a strange relationship with the word contentment - a kind of “lovely feeling but not for me, or not for now”!
Through my masters in positive psychology, I have come to see contentment in a different light and indeed the whole concept of positive and negative emotions. Now this isn’t a black and white kind of thing, where negative emotions are bad and positive emotions are good; both serve a purpose. Our negative emotions e.g. fear, shame, anger, despair, guilt, disgust, sad, anxiety, etc. all can have positive affect. For example, anger can cause us to do and say regrettable things; however, it can also propel us towards action against the great injustices of the world. To quote the great Aristotle:
“Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy”.
Similarly feeling shame or disgusted by something we have done is not a nice place to wallow and can lead down a very self-destructive path. However, if we can be reflective and find self-compassion, this can lead towards great insights and potentially move us to say sorry or seek forgiveness and reconciliation.
What I’ve come to understand is indeed negative emotions can be drivers of action, both good and bad. It comes from the good old “fight & flight” theory from pre-historic times, when cave man being chased by dinosaur didn’t have time to stand around and have a nice pleasant chat and a cup of tea. He needed his adrenalin rush to kick in and either get the hell out of there “flight” or find courage and strength to “fight” like crazy and kill or be killed.
However, we no longer have dinosaurs, tigers or bears outside our front door anymore, or at least not that kind. But many of us live in a constant state of alert and panic and this is what causes a huge amount of tension and anxiety in folk. Perpetual anxiety and stress and survival mode thinking and feeling leads to disease, heart-attacks, high blood pressure etc. This is what I see consistently in the workplace, people madly dashing from place to place, meeting to meeting, zoom to zoom, email to email, stress, stress, stress. Nonstop, no time to talk, laugh, share, praise, say thanks. Wearing the “no time for lunch badge” with honour. So how do we slow down or like I used to think, do we even want to?
Well, this is where positive emotions come in. By understanding and embracing positive emotions and bringing them consciously into our everyday lives, we find a true natural remedy and antidote to the stresses and strains of our crazy fast paced, success focused, never enough-ness society. I have learnt to embrace contentment and even fall in love with this emotion, slowing unravelling the subconscious programming since childhood of seeking, striving, never enoughness, danger, alert, hunt and gather. I have come to understand my deep-down hard-wired programming and am working hard to re-programme myself and embrace contentment (occasionally!). I have much to thank Covid for – giving me space and time to explore and understand and so much more…
So, what are positive emotions, and can you bring them into your daily life? Contentment (calm), alongside love, interest (curiosity), and joy (play) are the four core positive emotions upon which the renowned positive psychologist Barbara Fredrickson bases her “broaden-and-build theory”. Other positive emotions include gratitude, pride, hope, awe, to name but a few of my favourite. Bab’s theory proposes that positive emotions allow us to slow down and broaden our “thought action repertoire” or in layman’s terms smell the roses. In other words when we embrace and bring positive emotion into our daily lives, instead of fighting and slaying dragons, we have time to think, get creative, see new possibilities, share joy, experience calm in our lives, which benefits work and play, family, friends, colleagues and ourselves: “positive emotions promote discovery of novel and creative actions, ideas and social bonds, which in turn build that individual’s personal resources” (B. Fredrickson). Otherwise, we’re depleted and running on empty.
Another popular positive psychologist, Sonya Lyubomirsky, is famous for her happiness pie and 3-1 ratio. She purports that for every single negative emotion, we need at least three positive emotions to bring balance into our lives and be happy. Basically, negative emotions are more powerful so if you find your day full of fear, anger, regret, frustration, sadness, shame etc. and very little of the good stuff – guess what, you’re in a downward spiral! The trick is to stop – look / listen / feel – go! Be conscious of what’s happening and only move forward, when you can embrace a positive emotion. Breathing helps – calming our mind so we can focus on:
· Someone we love and remind ourselves of that love and how it makes us feel…
· Something we’re grateful for and how wonderful that us – savouring the emotion…
· Something we see that’s awesome – a beautiful sky or skyline, a stranger’s smile, a piece of art…
· Something that makes our heart sing – some music, a joke, a smell
· Something that brings us joy – what do we love doing most, hugging, cycling, walking, chatting, meeting friends.
All of the above can lead to heightening our sense of well-being and positive emotion – reaching out and making something beautiful happen, breaking the cycle of frenzied living, stress and panic.
I struggled for a while with some of this, because I thought it might actually slow me down – imagine that! What if I wasn’t so driven, what if I wasn’t so business and results focused, what if I worked less, what was enough, what if, what if….. I was so programmed to be in fight-flight-survival mode, it was hard to re-programme myself and had it not been for Covid-19 and enforced quiet and calm, I’m not sure I would have truly got to this same amazing place in the space of two years. My business stopped overnight (until I discovered Zoom and online coaching, like the rest of the world), my social life ground to a halt, I couldn’t go to the gym or dance class, my kids got trapped in other parts of the country and I hadn’t my usual escape routes back to Ireland and across to France. I found myself unusually on my own, with lots of time on my hands and had to stop and…think, explore, reflect, learn, study, grow, feel, reflect, learn, breathe, exercise, feel, reflect, grow, learn, breathe some more, see, hear, smell, feel, awe, beauty, love, relationships, a new world, joy, gratitude, serenity, calm, peace…CONTENTMENT.
I recognise my patterns now: I was programmed from adolescence to be in survival mode. This had sometimes served me well in the past. It had helped me flee Ireland and emigrate in my early twenties, take on big risks and challenges, see the world, build successful career, build my business, always find work and new clients, always moving, always striving towards the next big goal, afraid of slowing down or stopping. But actually, this no longer works for me as I approach the next chapter in my life. I am ready to work in a different way, at a different pace, doing things I love, in a way I love doing them. Still big goals, but different ones. Personal and professional ones. I want more time with family and friends, I want to continue to grow and learn and become more me and I want to focus
on generativity and legacy – what will I leave behind and who can I help nurture, inspire and support on the way.
This shift has only been possible because it comes from a place of contentment. I have found a calm and a peace in my heart and whilst I may occasionally still have the odd battle with lions and tigers and bears, I am ready for the next phase of my journey of discovery.
Hopefully without the beige dressing gown and slippers!
© Jackie Wade 2021
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